Thursday, November 5, 2009

Ever wanna cry?

Do you ever wanna cry? Me? I have always been the "strong" one, there is no time to cry, I need to hold this together. I need to be stay focused. Life has been tough, but there is certainly no time for tears. It's been wearing on me lately, and I can't help but ask myself if the best thing you can do is just allow yourself a good "cry" every once in awhile. You know...the kind where your trying to catch your breath afterward for a good 15 minutes?
Braeden's trip to the cardiologist was "perfect". His heart function is great, he has minimal leakage in his tricuspid valve, and the his echo report showed no changes. I am thankful.
It seems that the stress of the last 5 years are catching up with me, don't get me wrong, every single time I allow myself to feel even a hint of sadness for our situation, I am quickly reminded of those no longer here with us... the children taken away by CHD far too soon. It is so unfair.
I often push my fears and worries deeper, not wanting to face them, wondering will the worry ever go away?
Just this morning I woke up still crying from a dream. I was on a bus talking to someone about Braeden's condition. After telling her that he has a heart condition,kidney issues,feeding problems, and delays...I heard laughter behind me. I turned around, and there was a teenage boy laughing at me. I knew in my dream that he was laughing at what I had just said(dreams are so funny that way)"What is so funny?" I asked him. "It's funny that your son will never be normal like me", he said. In real life, I am one of the most non-violent people that you could ever meet. I've never even been in a fist-fight in school. That did not stop me from pummeling this kid on the bus though.( in dreamland) And as I did, I can clearly remember saying,"How would you like to watch your friends children die from something that they cannot control? How would you like to see your own child suffer and know that you are helpless to prevent the pain? How would you like to wonder if you will bury your own child? I woke up with tears in my eyes, visibly shaken.. If you won't allow yourself a good cry... I suppose the way may well be paved for you. I feel a little better now, and I guess we all have our breakdowns every now and then...it is getting back up that matters most. Braeden will be 5 tommorrow...wow 5..I will be sure to make a post :)

I'm in the "boxing ring" of life,
there are no rules here,
I block each punch with all I have,
I must not show my fear,
But soon the punches come too fast,
My vision is impaired,
The fight goes on...as I grow tired,
(And just a little scared)
Surely I can take no more,
Im bruised,beaten and worn,
I must not give up on this fight,
Although my faith's been torn.
I raise my fist in victory,
this fight ain't over yet,
I have some strength left in reserve,
From all those I have met.
If they can stand in courage,
then maybe I can too,
I find a dose of bravery,
From all that they've been through.
My oppenents blows intensify,
His need to win seems stronger,
And I'm not sure that I can stand,
On these two feet much longer.
He throws a punch of doubt my way,
then follows it with spite,
Even with my best defense,
I cannot win this fight.
My hands fall down, my gloves come off,
I'm not sure what to do,
I hear a voice behind me say,
"Let me take those for you".
Why would this person want my gloves?"
I'm startled and undone,
The man throws down my soiled gloves,
And says, "This fight's been won".
Each blow meant to destroy you,
Each careless word once said,
I walked into that ring myself,
And took them in your stead.
"Oh Lord, I've grown accustomed,
To fighting everyday,
Sometimes I truly wonder if,
There is another way.
This is a challenge for me,
To lay aside my hands,
And place my fears with someone else,
Who knows and understands.

~Stephanie Husted

These things I have spoken to you that in ME you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation,but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

6 comments:

Jenny Lincoln said...

Hi Stephanie!
I know exactly what you're talking about. I completely experienced that when the "worst was over" with Aly during and following her first surgery. I felt like God gave me the strength to pull me through that and when the stress lifted (a little) relief finally flooded in and my body needed to "feel" the emotions that I was too busy to feel at the time. Your poems are always so touching... and Happy Birthday to your 5 year old!!! How time flies!!

Proud Heart Mom said...

Stephanie, I can understand what you are feeling, most of us can. No matter what this life throws at us, we all come to a point where we just want to break down and have a good cry. Sometimes those feeling come often and sometimes not so close together. Good cries though are what gives us the strength to continue to go on for just a little while longer. There is no point in holding it in though, because it will always find a way to escape. Later just seems to make things worse. I am very glad to hear that Braeden is doing so well..... it gives hope to so many others including me. Tell him Happy Birthday from one of his stalkers, lol ;)

I love your poems.... you have a way with words. Sometimes I wonder if you have found a way to sneak into my mind..... I guess all Heart Moms or parents who go through struggles and fights and ups and downs with their children feel this way too. I guess for me, I am glad to know that I am not alone and there is comfort that comes from the family and friends that you gain when going through these battles... you never really are alone. I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me.
Leeanne

Katie said...

I've recently been having dreams too about Maddie's next surgery...these dreams have included the words "it was too late" and "why didn't you bring her in sooner"...all haunting and the pressure I do feel of this "timing" for her Fontan. Crazy, I know. But as her mom, I do feel so much responsiblity in her care. She's on 6 month visits right now (which is a great thing) but I'm always thinking, "what if" and are we overlooking/missing something??? She's been sick lately too so that just intensifies thsoe feelings I guess. Anyway, I'm with you on the good cries. We need those every now and then!!!

Happy 5th Birthday to your sweetheart!!! That's amazing and he (and your family) does bring much hope to us who are behind you in this journey! Celebrate :)

Stefenie said...

Ahh Stephanie! You and I are so much alike at times. Maybe that is just the heart mommy in us that brings us together.

I too feel exactly the way you do. I try to be so strong all the time because I know I have to for my kids. However there are days where I just have to cry because if I had to keep it in any longer it just might overtake me.

Keep those boxing gloves on girl!!

Stef, Ryan, Wyatt and Logan
http://www.whenlifehandsyoubrokenheart.blogspot.com

Michelle said...

Beautifully written. I think all us heart mommas can relate. We are strong women, but not made of stone, we hurt and especially for that that hurts the most, our children. Keep fighting! Glad your baby is doing great!

Jessica said...

Stephanie,
Tell the little guy Happy Birthday for me! I so understand. Even now I have days that are hard. A few weeks ago when a CHD baby I followed passed I was crying and someone asked what was wrong when I told them with a half cocked grin they said you do not even really know them. The fact was I did much like many knew Ethin and I. I knew the hardship that they faced and the hurt they felt. No one will understand our lives as Heart families unless they are one. This has been a very quick lesson I learned when I became a heart mom. Now I am a mom, Heart mom, and Grieving mom. And I have days I want to fight with people who do not understand. Just remember they do not know and be thankful they do not know as it means one less person who truly understands our pain one less person who was born with a CHD. Heart Hugs, Love, and Blessings, Jessica

Braeden's journey...

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