Do you ever wanna cry? Me? I have always been the "strong" one, there is no time to cry, I need to hold this together. I need to be stay focused. Life has been tough, but there is certainly no time for tears. It's been wearing on me lately, and I can't help but ask myself if the best thing you can do is just allow yourself a good "cry" every once in awhile. You know...the kind where your trying to catch your breath afterward for a good 15 minutes?
Braeden's trip to the cardiologist was "perfect". His heart function is great, he has minimal leakage in his tricuspid valve, and the his echo report showed no changes. I am thankful.
It seems that the stress of the last 5 years are catching up with me, don't get me wrong, every single time I allow myself to feel even a hint of sadness for our situation, I am quickly reminded of those no longer here with us... the children taken away by CHD far too soon. It is so unfair.
I often push my fears and worries deeper, not wanting to face them, wondering will the worry ever go away?
Just this morning I woke up still crying from a dream. I was on a bus talking to someone about Braeden's condition. After telling her that he has a heart condition,kidney issues,feeding problems, and delays...I heard laughter behind me. I turned around, and there was a teenage boy laughing at me. I knew in my dream that he was laughing at what I had just said(dreams are so funny that way)"What is so funny?" I asked him. "It's funny that your son will never be normal like me", he said. In real life, I am one of the most non-violent people that you could ever meet. I've never even been in a fist-fight in school. That did not stop me from pummeling this kid on the bus though.( in dreamland) And as I did, I can clearly remember saying,"How would you like to watch your friends children die from something that they cannot control? How would you like to see your own child suffer and know that you are helpless to prevent the pain? How would you like to wonder if you will bury your own child? I woke up with tears in my eyes, visibly shaken.. If you won't allow yourself a good cry... I suppose the way may well be paved for you. I feel a little better now, and I guess we all have our breakdowns every now and then...it is getting back up that matters most. Braeden will be 5 tommorrow...wow 5..I will be sure to make a post :)
I'm in the "boxing ring" of life,
there are no rules here,
I block each punch with all I have,
I must not show my fear,
But soon the punches come too fast,
My vision is impaired,
The fight goes on...as I grow tired,
(And just a little scared)
Surely I can take no more,
Im bruised,beaten and worn,
I must not give up on this fight,
Although my faith's been torn.
I raise my fist in victory,
this fight ain't over yet,
I have some strength left in reserve,
From all those I have met.
If they can stand in courage,
then maybe I can too,
I find a dose of bravery,
From all that they've been through.
My oppenents blows intensify,
His need to win seems stronger,
And I'm not sure that I can stand,
On these two feet much longer.
He throws a punch of doubt my way,
then follows it with spite,
Even with my best defense,
I cannot win this fight.
My hands fall down, my gloves come off,
I'm not sure what to do,
I hear a voice behind me say,
"Let me take those for you".
Why would this person want my gloves?"
I'm startled and undone,
The man throws down my soiled gloves,
And says, "This fight's been won".
Each blow meant to destroy you,
Each careless word once said,
I walked into that ring myself,
And took them in your stead.
"Oh Lord, I've grown accustomed,
To fighting everyday,
Sometimes I truly wonder if,
There is another way.
This is a challenge for me,
To lay aside my hands,
And place my fears with someone else,
Who knows and understands.
These things I have spoken to you that in ME you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation,but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.