A letter to my son...

Some of life's most difficult decisions, are also the easiest...

I can still clearly remember a doctor telling my husband and I that we needed to make an important decision....the most difficult circumstance we had ever faced, brought with it, an amazingly simple choice. Would we give our unborn son a chance to live? Would we put him through three open heart surgeries? Hosital stays?A life of uncertainties?
Are you sure you want to do this? the doctor said placing his warm hands on mine. Having this child will change your life forever...indeed it has, and for that I remain most thankful.
There are times that I am at a loss for words. Quite recently as I tried to share with someone close to me, the intense feelings that so often accompany raising a child with a CHD. As she tried to compare it to her daughter's tonsillectmy...I sighed...then smiled. It is not always easy to understand. I do not fault her, in her mind, I suppose she was trying to empathize by comparison. I don't think I truly understood myself, until I held Braeden in my arms surrounded by wires, watched his tiny heart pumping from under a bandage, brought him home on oxygen, administered countless meds, worried over every cold, splattered purell on everyone like it was going out of style,handed him over for heart surgery once again, came close to losing him, and watched powerlessly as our dear heart friends fought bravely and lost their lives. If you have ever brought your child to the doctor and heaved the largest sigh of relief(out loud) just to hear that all is well, than I'm sure you know what I mean. So much more than a tonsillectmy...a choice, a life changed...a miracle.

To my son,

I write this as I wonder,
Will you ask someday?
Why do I have this scar mom?
Did God make me this way?
What will happen to me?
What does my future hold?
Will I hold my own children?
Then live until I'm old?
I think about your future,
Imagining what lies ahead,
Perhaps I need to concentrate,
On present things instead.

The present:

Right now you are enjoying life,
A typical mischievious boy,
You make us laugh...yes everyday,
And fill our hearts with joy.
And people often ask me,
So he's all better right?
His heart is fixed, he seems just fine,
His future's looking bright.
Yes, "He's doing well", I say,
I hope things stay this way,
I still fear for his future,
And every night I pray...
"Give me yet another day,
Keep my child strong,
I do not want to lose him Lord,
Please let his life be long.

Thank you...

Thank you Lord,
for showing me,
What just one child can do,
I marvel at his courage,
And the trials he's been through,
Thanks for your compassion
(And need I say it?...grace)
You've led me through each valley,
And you've brought me to this place.
A place where I'm not angry,
And it's easier to see,
That I was not the person,
That you wanted me to be.
Thank you for the trials Lord,
They've taught me how to give,
Thank you for my child Lord,
He's shown me how to live.

Did God make you this way?

I've asked myself this question,
A thousand times before,
Then it became a question that,
I just could not ignore.
God, He made you perfect,
Bestowing you with gifts to share,
God made you with his own hands,
Then numbered every hair.
He saw no imperfection,
Or heart...all rearranged,
He saw you...his well loved child,
And then he saw...lives changed.

The future...
The future is no place to live,
And neither is the past,
The present should be cherished,
As it truly goes too fast,
I don't know what your future holds,
Or what we'll have to face,
I know who holds us through each storm,
I know we lean on grace.
I know that life's not always fair,
I know God has a plan,
I know He gives us strength and hope,
I know, he says..."You can".

I write this as I wonder,
Will you ask me why?
Will you someday understand,
Just why we had to try?
Know, how very much your loved,
(Through every storm and strife)
Know, I wanted you to have,
A chance... to live your life.

~Stephanie Husted