Tag Award..

Stef from "when Life Hands You a Broken Heart", has nominated my blog for a "Tag" Award. Now I must tell you seven things that you may not know about me, and then tag 7 people.

1.While doing research for our family tree, my aunt discovered that we are descendants of President Andrew Jackson.
2.I started writng poetry when I was six, ofcourse most of my early poems had alot of frog,bog,log and fox,socks,rocks in them.(can you tell how much I loved Dr. Seuss when I was growing up?)It wasn't until my child was born with a life-threatening heart condition that my poems became more heartfelt.
3.Lost is my favorite tv show, I never miss it!
4.I am really quite shy in person...just ask those who know me :)
5.My mom came very very close to naming me Jolene, after the Dolly Parton song of the same name!(Luckily my dad didn't get his way or I might be Apollo-yes, he loved all things in regards to space travel)
6.I would love to publish a book, but the fact of the matter is...I am a terrible procratinator.
7. I struggle with the why's of life constantly, but my faith in God is what keeps me going...everyday.

I should have added the fact that I am technologically inept. I am still not sure how to add the blog names as a link:)

http://jilliansommers.blogspot.com/

http://schroedermatters.blogspot.com/

http://laurensheart.blogspot.com/

http://lindsaysheart.blogspot.com/

http://wodzisz.blogspot.com/

http://babygirlbutcher.blogspot.com/

http://keepingupwithchristian-heartbaby.blogspot.com/

A doll for Christmas...

So many Christmas's ago,
When I was little too,
I'd wait so ever patiently,
My turn would come...I knew...
The presents were ripped open,
The best was saved for last,
A doll...my doll...yes every year,
The same as each year past.
We'd go into our playroom...
(we dressed our babies there)
And play a game that we called "house..."
"What will my baby wear?"
Baby Alive came one year,
And I'd mix up that slimy green goo,
Baby alive always opened her mouth,
And she'd happily swallow and chew.
No feeding tube to contend with,
No pump to beep..." all done",
A spoon held to her willing mouth,
Wow...feeding time was fun!
Baby Soft Sounds came next year,
She cried when she wasn't held tight,
Luckily...I could still sleep,
(Mom turned her off each night)
No wires held me powerless,
To hold my child near,
No doctor's rounded daily,
I had nothing to fear.
Next came... "Baby All Better",
With thermometer...to play,
Just a little cool water,
And her fever went away.
No countless calls to the hospital,
No...trips to the E.R.,
A splash of water...all was well,
No need to drive so far.
Rarely did our game include,
Our babies getting "sick",
But if and when...this did occur,
A shot...would do the trick.
Out came the Fisher Price medical kit,
The doctor would make it okay,
It had all of the tools we needed,
To take any owies away.
Motherhood was easy,
It ended for the night,
By tucking our sweet babies in,
Then kissing them..."goodnight".
Perhaps life just isn't that easy,
And childhood dreams go unfiled,
Locked away for a season,
Refound in the eyes of a child.
No this isn't the life I imagined,
While rocking my doll with a smile,
I never imagined that being a mom,
Could come with a heartwrenching trial,
But God chose him just for me,
And God must know me best,
I am the mom of a heart child,
Loved and richly blessed.

~Stephanie Husted

Crying over blue toes...

Every once in awhile it hits me yet again...out of nowhere. Strange how that can happen. One moment you are layering a fabulous lasanga, the next you are feeling the tears well up in your eyes, because your child just put on his own coat, or tried to tie his own shoe...or...well don't get me started. How often I think to myself...he shouldn't be here, and I just quicky reprimand myself for thinking such a thought. Why shouldn't he be here?

Because we almost lost him twice.
Lost him...I cannot even comprehend that.

Monday was one of those days...
All was well, Braeden was taking a bath filled to the hilt with foamy white bubbles, and in the very next instant...bam...tears.
Why was I crying? Because his toenails were blue. No they weren't really any bluer than normal, but it hit me right then, for some weird reason...he isn't better.
We will always face the fears, we will always wonder... he isn't fixed...he will always have this heart defect. I think that it hits me especially hard after the death of another heart child. Evan passed away this week, he was seven years old.
I read somewhere that we cannot cope, if we have no hope. I digress...
You may find me crying over pancakes one day, or a sappy Hallmark commercial or even over a bubble filled tub.(over blue toes)but I hope you will never find me saying that I have lost all hope. Please keep Evan's family in your prayers...we are getting ready to leave for his visitation, and I cannot imagine what his family must be going through.

No matter what happens...
Our lives hold surprises...
One thing remains constant...
The sun always rises...
When trials surround us...
When things are just fine...
One thing is certain...
The stars will still shine...

Today...we received the most troubling news...
The doctors told us...we must choose...
A chance at life... all we can give...
Our hope...our prayer...let our child live.
You see...they told us something's wrong...
The heart within you...is not strong...
What will we have to put you through?
Oh Lord...I don't know what to do.
And the stars will still shine...
By the light of the moon...
And if God be willing...
We'll be holding you soon.


Today...we welcomed you at last...
As time...just seemed to move so fast...
Before we knew it...here you were...
I still cannot stand what you'll have to endure.
I held you close...and stroked your hair...
Wishing...that...life were more fair.
No matter what happens...somehow we will cope...
I'll give you a chance...I'll hold onto hope...
And the stars will still shine...
In the midst of our pain...
And the sun shines it's brightest...
Only after the rain.

Today...we'll have to let you go...
I thought...I was prepared...
Today...I'll let you leave my arms...
Your heart must be repaired.
And God must be right in this room...
(To prevent me from falling apart)
And I can only pray...Dear Lord...
Please let them fix...his heart.
And the stars will still shine...
When the storm grows anew...
You hold our son's life...
And our trust is in you.

Today...an example...of God's loving grace...
We're on our way home...we're leaving this place!
This hospital room...was our home for awhile...
It has seen every tear...it has held every smile.
Homeward bound...Lord can we do this?
One day at a time...I know we'll get through this.
And the stars will still shine...
And we've prayed for this day...
And we see peaks of sun...
Through the clouds dark and gray.


Today...some friends... so very dear...
Have had to face...our greatest fear...
They lost their child...how can this be?
My hearts breaks for...this family.
I still see his face... as I whisper his name...
And then it sinks in...things will not be the same.
And as we watch our child thrive...
We wonder why their child...didn't survive.
And the stars will still shine...
Through the anguish and pain...
And the light that they left here...
Will always remain.

No matter what happens...
(What can we expect?)
Of life with a child
With a heart defect?
And "defect" doesn't...
Seem quite right...
I prefer...precious...
In HIS sight.
And the stars will still shine...
And perhaps one will fall...
Your that one shooting star...
That surprises us all.

~Stephanie Husted